Broke and Broken Hearted: Love, Marriage, and Money

Boy Meets Girl

"First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage." At least, that's how the song goes. Maybe lyrics of financial counseling or talks of money matters would put a damper to such a catchy and whimsical tune.  But Stella Dart, 34, a woman who graciously accepted an invitation to tell her story of love and money for Our Time Press, implores young adults to have the heavy, uncomfortable talks about money prior to nuptials, so marriage can have more dimension, perceptive and duration than that of the content of a school girl's love song. 

First Comes Love

KIS: So, tell me your story. 

SD: We met at a SOBs [Sounds of Brazil] at Varick Street. I was moving to California to start graduate school and I thought it was my last time going out in New York City.  Muhammed asked me to dance. I thought he was Brazilian. He seemed interested in what I had to say. He asked for my phone number and later told me that he was from Morocco which I later found out was a lie. He was really from Tunisia. 

KIS: Why would he lie about his nationality?

SD: Muhammed thought I would not know about Tunisia, which he was right about. So, he said Morocco because it was better known. Looking back, it was a pattern--lying-- smoothing things out with lies.  He had also lied about what school he went to. I guess because I was going to a prestigious school in California. 

Then Comes Marriage

KIS: But, obviously, you overlooked all of that and married him six months later. 

SD: Yes, because I was utterly swept off of my feet. 

KIS: What exactly, "swept you off of your feet?"

SD: Muhammed was very attentive. He understood my sense of humor--which not many people do. He was really smart and really sweet. He was emotionally open. He just...touched my heart. 

KIS: How old were you when you married?

SD:I was 26. I wasn't planning to get married, I was planning to go to California. 

KIS: Did you guys talk about financial roles and responsibilities before getting married?

SD: No. 

KIS: So, what were discussions around money and marriage like?

SD:The focus was on him getting himself educated and together. 

KIS: Wow!

Then Comes Fighting, Foreclosures and Your Finances Completely Disparaged

KIS: What did you begin to notice about his money management (or lack thereof) once you were married?

 I began to notice that there were cultural differences with regard to money.  For example, I noticed that a lot our money was tied to his family obligations back in Tunisia. Also, I realized that I was  very cautious with money, not materialistic. But he was concerned about name brands. It was annoying for him to care about that. He was always trying to keep up with the "Joneses." 

I also think that because he spent my money freely, he did not have respect for how hard I worked to earn it.  Now, I have more respect for my father now because he drove an hour and a half each way to a hell hole [referring to his job] because he had four kids. We went to camp. We went to college. Even if he did not like it, he still got up. 

With this marriage, I felt that I had no freedom or stability. And you are supposed to give up some freedom in exchange for stability with marriage. I got nothing. 

KIS: Where do you think you would be financially had you not married this guy?

SD: I would have probably stayed in California, perhaps in a different career from teaching. One that paid more. I would like to think that I would have had a down payment on a house by now. 

KIS: With hindsight being "20/20", what advice would you like to give for those thinking about marriage?

1. Look at a man's track record. Does he finish what he starts? If he didn't finish his education, ask why.
2. Look at his job history. Is he jumping from job to job. You want someone to prove that he has accomplished his goals--that he follows through. 
3. Don't have a joint checking and savings account for a while. 
4. Don't think about "potential." Look at what he has going for him right then, not the future. I used to think that Muhammed was really smart and could do so much. But now, I don't think about "could",  I look at who he is at face value...

KIS:   Wow!  Thank you for your insight. I appreciate your vulnerability, wisdom, and perspective. 

SD: You're welcome. 

5 Habits of the Highly Indebted

Brothers and Sisters From Another Mother?
The highly indebted by way of poor financial choices, consumer charging, and unrealistic standards of living come in an array of sizes, hues, shapes, languages, and ethnicities. Despite these superficial distinctions, there remains a unifying mentality and set of behaviors that unite this demographic. Their movements, habits of being, priorities, and ways of navigating have striking and eerie congruence.

5 Habits of the Highly Indebted
1. The highly indebted see an increase in income as an invitation to increase expenditure.
Whether it be a windfall through an inheritance or bonus or a steady increase in income from a raise or an investment dividend, more money is usually considered a positive and good thing. In responsible hands, it could be used for college-funds, bolstering emergency funds or paying off debt. For those with trouble staying in the black, however, more money may lead to more money problems, not less. This is because the highly indebted create a direct relationship with money and expenditure. That is, the more money there is, the more stuff there is to buy. In theory, this principle should not create any economic burdens if the increase in expenditure is offset by the increase in income. What gets the highly indebted in trouble is this is not their financial model. The increase in income inspires an increase in expenditure that is disproportionate to the amount of the rise of income. For example, a 10% increase in income may spur a 25% increase in spending, leading to more debt.



2. The highly indebted employ J. Wellington Wimpy logic to finance and commerce.
J. Wellington Wimpy or just Wimpy was the well-dressed, hamburger-eating friend of Popeye, the main character of Elzie Crisler Segar's cartoon and comic strip and cartoon of the same name. Wimpy was very intelligent and well-educated. His famous line, "I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today" reveals the less-than-flattering components of his financial persona. His financial identity was one based on the dependence of credit and loans. Interestingly, once J. Wellington Wimpy acquired what he wanted, he simultaneously displayed a reluctance to repay or honor his debt. Similarly, those in the bowels of debt rely heavily on the kindness of strangers, credit cards, borrowing, and (empty) promises to acquire things that they want, and in the most extreme cases, their basics like food, diapers,or medicine and often respond despondently when asked to repay or acknowledge outstanding balances.

3. The highly indebted invite big business into their lives.

There is one reason that corporations spend millions of dollars on advertisements annually--whether it be 30-second radio plugs, billboards, mass emails, glossy magazine and newspaper pullouts, regular prime-time commercial slots, or once-a-year events such as the SuperBowl. The reason is because it works. Psychologists, marketing teams, researchers, and focus groups are handsomely paid to gain insight into human want and insecurity for the sole purposes of manipulating this information to meet their financial bottomline.

The highly indebted,nonetheless, can be found flipping through magazines, purchasing tickets to car shows, strolling through malls, browsing sales items at online sites, and watching infomercials. In other words, they nurture a relationship with big business and its peddling machine. The only way to diminish the influence that big business has on the lives of the highly indebted is for them to break off all ties. In particular, the highly indebted has to spend time doing things that don't include spending or overexpose them to mass media tools of financial persuasion--reading a book, exploring a hobby, volunteering time, or strengthening familial relations.

4. The highly indebted suffer from selective amnesia.

Listen carefully to the story of a highly indebted person. It may sound like: " I just charged a couple of things to the credit cards... just to treat myself because I work hard and deserve something nice... got a little behind on payments... Then, all of a sudden... I was $5,000 in debt... I don't know how it all happened... It was just a couple of purchases. I don't remember charging all that much." One of the best cures for this condition is the creation of and adherence to a budget. A budget does not rely on the failed memory of the highly indebted because it is written and unconcerned and unmoved by the moods, impulses, and vacillation of the highly indebted. Employing direct deposit to and/or automatic withdrawals from checking and savings accounts also buffers the highly indebted from the negative effects of their condition. These tools ensure that the highly indebted avoid late fees, benefit from incremental debt reduction, engender savings, and ultimately establish a solid credit history and standing.

5. The highly indebted think with their "Id" and not their "Ego" and "Superego".

Austrian born psychotherapist Sigmund Freud introduced the concepts of "Id", "Ego", and "Superego" to explain the driving forces behind the human personality. Simply, the "Id" represents the part of our personality that is driven by the need to feel good at any given time without consideration to the reality of the situation. In other words, the "Id" is fueled by the pleasure principle and cares only about its singular and immediate gratification.

On the other hand, the "Ego" is the part of the personality that is governed by the reality principle, which means that it understands that impulsive behavior and solely self-serving agendas have negative consequences for the individual and others. Finally, the "Superego" extends the reality principle to the point of morality. In particular, the "Superego" houses an individual's moral and ethical boundaries.

Ideally, these three components work together to establish a healthy Self--one that mediates the urges of the "Id" with the rigidity of the "Superego." When it comes to the highly-indebted, the "Id" is the dominant segment of the personality as it relates to establishing (or ignoring) financial limits. Evidence of this can be as benign as stopping for a beef patty before you reach home even though your partner has prepared something to dinner or as problematic as quitting an undesirable job on a whim with a mortgage and family to support.

Time, Money, and Happiness

The life expectancy,--the average number of years to be lived by a group of people born in the same year, if mortality at each age remains constant in the future --of women and men in Zimbabwe is 40.5 years according to The 2007/ 2008 United Nations Development Programme report Human Development index, ranking it 151st out of 177 countries from which they have compiled data. The American Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) was a little less generous with time and projected that the average life expectancy for Zimbabwe women and men is 39.72 years; with males exceeding female life with 40.87 and 38.55 years respectively.

Ravages of poverty, chronic underdevelopment, and the endemic AIDS reality for many of our African brothers and sisters is a sobering reminder, that like money, capital, and other more tangible factors of production, time, too, is limited and the behaviors associated with what economists classically labeled "scarcity" have to be employed when dealing with this entity as relates to creating financially sound and spiritually rewarding decisions.

Think It, Plan It, Do It!

You are more likely to run out of time before you are to run out of money. This makes planning what you do with you money and for how long you do it that much more pressing. Last week, we focused our energies on uncovering the cost of the creative, the inexpensive, and the simple that bring joy into our lives. My short list included reading, dancing, writing, and meeting with friends for dinner. Identifying what brings you joy, however, is only part of the equation to happiness. The second and more practical component of this action plan is literally making time for it in your life. Please take 15 minutes to determine if you are devoting time to your happiness. It is often quite revealing that the things that we love to do the most, that enrich us, nurture our spirits, and center our lives are given no priority or attention in our daily lives.

10 Other Things That Make Me Happy &Time Spent on Happiness (weekly)

1. bubble baths 0 minutes

2.reading articles in Spanish 15 minutes

3. stretching 0-20 minutes

4.talking to my mother 4-5 hours

5.listening to salsa 2 hours

6.working on creative fiction pieces 30 minutes

7.making new friends 0 minutes

8.dancing in the mirror 20 minutes

9.lotioning with cocoa butter 1-2 hours

10. following up on Obama campaign 2-3 hours

Excuse Me, What are You Waiting For?

America is very fast paced. But who told you that you had to sprint? There will always be something to do, some agenda to siphon your time, some external catalyst to redirect or divide your attention--- something seemingly more important than nurturing your authentic self and aligning your money decisions with what satisfies you the most.

According to CIA statistics, life expectancy for Americans averages 78.14 years, 75.29 years and 81.13 for men and women respectively. We take for granted that there will be time to do everything, especially when compared to our kinfolk across the Atlantic. But the reality is that we will die eventually. Please make sure that you do not live a life full of regrets because you never identified or devoted time to your happiness.

Money Can Buy Happiness

Can Money Buy You Happiness?
We live in an extreme society. A society where we can find the morbidly obese and the fatally thin, both by personal choice and volition. A society where there are those that work eighty hours a week while there are those that refuse to work any. A society of ultraconservatives and "bleeding-heart" liberals.
With such a polarized society, it's not a shock to find the discussion about the relationship of money and happiness as equally dichotomous and mutually-exclusive. To some, money does not create happiness; in fact, it is the source of evil. On the opposite side of the spectrum, we have those that worship money, elevating it to a status of omnipotence and employing all means to make more of it. Money and happiness. Those elusive powers and agents. We expend most of our adult lives in search of an abundance of both, one often at the expense of the other. A wholistic approach to understanding their relationship and striving for both, then, is in order to strengthen and sustain our financial and spiritual lives.
When It Can and It Can't
Those that claim that money causes or creates problems and that it has no bearing on contentment and self-actualization need to take a more thoughtful look at the face of poverty within this country and outside of its borders. Money can buy happiness in the sense that it grants options and voice to those barred from experiencing the most basic human experience, which, at a minimum, include health, education, safety, and life purpose.

Once these fundamental needs are met, an increase in money begins to take on diminishing returns because of our human capacity to adapt to our environment.  This means two things. First, we get easily bored  once we have grown accustomed to a new comfort, whether it be  a new car, a new tummy and nose, vacation-home, or handbag. Secondly and equally important, we keep looking upwards and around at what the next level up has to offer. Newer. Shinier. Faster. Bigger.  Sexier. This cycle of using money to make purchases of increasingly more exotic, extreme, and intense locations and experiences in hopes of attaining a sliver of happiness is what behavioral economist coin, "the hedonistic treadmill".

And getting off of the treadmill is hard largely because Americans have been conditioned through overexposure to big business media not to think for themselves. Not thinking for yourself leads you to value the opinions of others more than your own.  Not thinking for yourself, additionally, puts you at odds with your authentic self and your personal truth. How many times have you been aware or noticed that following pattern: You are excited about the purchase of a particular item, fantasize about how it will complete your look, how important and sexy you will feel when you wear it or own it on your way to the counter or sales manager. You buy it. You're elated. You wear it and/or  use it a couple of times. Weeks pass by and you are you not as excited about that same item that produced such an intense sense of satisfaction as you were before. So, you go shopping, looking, and hoping for something new to catch your eye to make you feel important, alive, and centered again. 
Intuition would lead you to conclude, then, that shopping and buying a lot of different stuff is not going to fill that void,that thirst,  and that want to be fully present. EVER. Yet, you continue to do it because you somehow trust the fantasy of television more than you do your own gut. You would prefer to feel that something is wrong with you and perhaps you are not buying the right item or enough of it to bring you joy, so you venture to consume more excessively and deliberately. 

Stop This Treadmill! I Want to Get Off

Finding happiness with your money begins with first finding peace with yourself. This is not a call to throw away all of your worldly possessions or campaign to isolate yourself from the conveniences of modern society. What it is, however, is an appeal for you to reflect and unearth your values, interests, likes, and wants. Once you have uncovered who you are, you can then use your money to fund, enhance, and nurture these experiences. Below is an example of my interest and how much (or little) money I need to make me feel happy. Please take 15 minutes to do the same. You'll be surprised to discern if it is the nature of your spending and not necessarily the amount of money that you spend that is the source of your discontent or bliss. 

10 Things that Make Kara I. Stevens Happy & the  Cost of Happiness

1. pedicure    

$12 every three weeks 

2. dinner with girlfriends once a month           

$15-$20

3.long walks           

 $0

4.listening to live salsa               

$0- $15

5. clean bathroom                                                      

    $10 (cleaning products)

6.taking  black and white pictures                             

   $50-$75 a month for film and developing 

 7. taking an undergraduate Spanish course               

  $660 (community college tuition)

8. dancing Kompa  

$10 (cover charge)

9. writing  

$0

10. reading (borrowed books from the library)          

 $10 (overdue fees)