Hey Marta,
Sorry for taking so long. Actually, I was in Limon, Costa Rica. Its a province along the Caribbean that is 40% black, descendants of Jamaicans mostly.
As for the discussion of marriage, feminism, and children, it has been a couple of months since I have read that book, been in that relationship (we broke up), and felt the pressure to think about any or all of the above. Honestly Marta, as it relates to some of the issues that Walker addressed in the book and my growing and ever deepening understanding of what it means to be a woman, I have decided to remove the labels and take it as humanly as possible. that is not an excuse or a way to avoid the topic, it's my approach to dealing with my tendency to be extreme, in and outside of the discussion of feminism.
I think that I was raised to be strong, resourceful, and self-sufficient as a survival strategy. I did not grow up around men. I did not know them and did not trust and/or like the ones that I knew including my father and brother at that time. They, honestly, did not serve as cornerstones to my existence. My mother did not date much, so I grew up thinking that it was normal to be alone, not to make much of men, and be comfortable and happy with it.
Fast forward to now, after having had relationships that ended because the men thought that I was not domestic enough, or emotionally available enough, or whatever... I really don't think about it so much now because I have found that when you actually like someone, you do things to make them happy within reason and it goes for both sides. I am dating this new guy, a Haitian dude, and I approach it with as much neutralness as possible, if you know what I mean. I think that working, studying, and hustling, makes anyone tired, so if I can, I will try to pick something up for him and I notice that he does the same for me.
I am learning that not all men want to dominate and often they have just as much fear and as many insecurities as it relates to losing self, abandonment, and hurt that women have. I feel that I have found that I am not a victim, and I think that feminism, at times, has a tendency to make you hyper-sensitive to the micro elements of dealing with another human being. As I have been dating and breaking up and thinking some more, I feel that the idea of "compromise" is a little appealing for me because I have done so much by myself in my life and I feel very self-actualized in a lot of ways... that the idea of working together with someone else would be challenging,but also very rewarding... a person that is worthy, of course.
As for babies, as a classroom teacher, I am not interested in having babies anytime soon. I am not interested, at this time, to sacrifice my free time, autonomy, or change the flow of my most basic and guarded rituals (ie. weekend retreats, emailing at 11 pm, sleep, movement without second thought). I keep the option open, though,because I think there will be a time when all that I am doing for/just/and all about me will lose its appeal and I am going to want more. I also think about the legacy that I feel that I will have to live up to. My mother is such a loving, nurturing, and giving woman and it frightens me that I would not live up to her legacy sometimes... you know? but then I think about how nice it would be to have a relationship that I had with my mother with my own daughter...-Kara
9 comments:
Rebecca Walker has had a number of issues for which she has been in therapy.
I am not knocking therapy - good therapy is a very useful life tool.
Rebecca Walker has had issues with her biracial and sexual identity, as well as her parents divorce.
It is time that she and many other people to be the adults they claim to be and stop blaming their parents for choices they make.
I am not talking about the after-effects of abuse and mistreatment.
I am talking about overly self indulgent people, particularly those with every opportunity available to them, choosing to stay in a an extended state of adolescence.
We are all affected by our upbringing.
At some point we have to take responsibility for our adult chooses.
RENEE
This is the article?
http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/books/article3866798.ece
I can certainly see how a mother traumatized and "damaged" by the racism of the pre Civil Rights South could pass that "damage" on to her child. I don't think Rebecca is blaming her parents for her personal choices, more saying that, in the absence of strong parenting, she's had to learn through mistakes of her own. From what I hear, this is true for many children who were raised in liberal homes...the need for more structure.
She also seems to be saying that her mother hasn't dealt with her own trauma--which would go far in healing the relationship between herself and her daughter.
Thanks for starting this thread Kara! I think a lot of people are confused on these issues. I meet men who on the one hand say they want "independent" women (that is, women they don't have to be there for financially or emotionally), but who are "shaken" when these same women express opinions that are different from theirs or (in my opionion rightly) adopt a take you or leave you attitude when dealing with them...
R.S.:
It strikes me that your first line is "Rebecca Walker has had a number of issues for which she has been in therapy." This line alone is intended to devalue Rebecca's experiences, and the line that follows that you are not "knocking therapy" is patronizing and contradicts every point you make make in the following sentences. The underlining philosophy in this response is that Rebecca must be "hysterical." I am not saying everything Rebecca says is true or not, but the fact is the issues that she brings up are relevant, in this "Post feminism" or "New womanism" age women are thinking very seriously about what it means to have, want, or not want babies, love, and men.
In your letter you also take umbrage with the fact that Rebecca grew up with privelege--so what? Does it mean that for some reason she should be more happy than someone else, does it mean that material items are enough? I don't perceive her as simply "blaming her mother," that would be oversimplifying it, I perceive her as a woman deeply in pain and wanting some kind of response from her mother.
I'm not addressing other items in your letter such as she has issues with "sexuality and being biracial" because once again you are using these issues against her in a way that is insultingly simplistic, and ignores the complexity of how we form our identities and the meaning of a relationship between a mother and a daughter.
I know your point is to say "pull yourself up by your bootstraps, everyone else did it." My response is "good for you," we all do need to accept that we are adults and take responsibility, but does that mean that people haven't treated us wrong? Why not acknowledge that? Are you "weak" if you tell someone that they really hurt you? That is the impression that I am getting from your letter.
Preye
Preye,
Please do not attempt to restate/ paraphrase my opinions to make your points, because it leads you to misspeak.
My point was as I stated : At some point we need to take responsibility for our choices. We decide how we will spend our energy.
At some point licking our wounds does not clean them, but causes infection.
We have all experienced pain. We have have all had issues with our mothers.
At some point you have to make a conscious effort to heal. Sometimes that effort must be renewed.
Not too many people have an easy journey through life.
Therapy is tool that can be used for healing and handling life, not coddling those who do not want to get well.
Her life of privilege has allowed her the luxury that many do not have of much self examination, yet, I do not se wellness in her expressions on paper.
I would not trade places with her for a moment because she has clearly spent much time contemplating her state, but how much time she has spent iimproving it is questionable.
I completely disagree with Rebecca Walkers stand that her mother's femininism is the cause of her inability to mother, love ,etc.
Having read works by both Walkers, I find Rebecca's work to be less than worth the effort of the read.
RENEE
Sigh...Why is it that black women spend so much time attacking one another? This is too sad considering the point of the discussion is to talk about love and building more of it.
Personally, I thought Renee and I spent a lot of time bringing up good points that need to be talked about. I addressed the language she used and she clarified. Why is it that addressing difference is perceived as negative in the black community? I think this is the way love is built; by accepting that we don't have to agree.
It is funny how I’ve never given much thought to feminism. I actually just looked up the word in the dictionary to make sure I understand it right. So, Kara you’ll excuse me but I will digress a bit from the main subject.
Growing up I wasn’t exactly very close to my mom but much closer to my dad. However, with years passing by, I find myself growing a lot closer to her than I ever was. One of the phrases my parents used to spit out at me in my teenager’ years was: “you will understand better when you get older”. I hated and despised that sentence. I thought I knew everything I needed to know. I thought my parents were so wrong in so many ways. My mom wrong for having chosen such an unfaithful husband; my dad wrong for living less than a frugal life and for humiliating my mom so many times. I vowed to never make such mistakes and to live a happier life.
Fast forward a decade or so… I just moved approximately 5,000 miles to live with my boyfriend in a city where he is the only person I know. At first I thought I would be incredibly happy and that this new beginning would fill me with energy, joy, and passion… a sort of rejuvenated life!
Yet if you ask me if I’m happy, I could not give you an answer. I spend hours envisioning the time when I will once again stroll around NYC with my girlfriends, chat with my ex-roommate about some stupid guy she dumped, hear her kids laugh and cry out loud. Marriage seems as even less a possibility now than before.
But wait… don’t be fooled. My boyfriend is faithful (I think) and a good man. So what’s wrong? I don’t know… maybe I’ll understand when I get older.
I am on the path of making the same mistakes my parents made… humm…well, I am not ready to admit it yet argue the contrary
I am just starting to read Baby Love because Kara recommended it. Alreayd I have a hard time relating to it, mostly because my mother is the complete opposite of Alice Walker. My mom is the ultimate sacrificing, unconditionally loving mother, and for that I am very thankful. All our mothers teach us about feminism, whether they want to or not. Even though I adore my mom, I don't necessarily want to or am able to follow her self-sacrificial lifestyle. She continues to devote her life to her husband and children. Should I be a mother if I can't be as good as my mom? Kara, I think you have similar questions.
Hey sisters, this is a great thread. Whether or not Baby Love speaks to you or your choices, the discussion of how and if we find mental and emotional health and peace is crucial.
If you'd like to hear more on the Daily Mail article (the Daily Mail is kind of like the UK version of our Enquirer) check out the NPR interview I gave on the subject http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=92373475
And for all you moms or mamas to be, check out my parenting root on the blog: http://blogs.theroot.com/blogs/seeds/archive/2008/10/05/the-bailout-mommy-style.aspx
Considering the EXCELLENT financial tips offered by Ms. Money Magnet here, I think this post in particular about the recession/depression might be of interest.
Peace and love to all.
Rebecca
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